OVERSTIMULATED
I get overstimulated easily. I did not always know this about myself.
It has taken me many, many years to understand how my brain is wired and how my nervous system operates in relation to stimulus. And, as much as I am aware of this dynamic now, I am still in the early stages of learning about me, my systems and how best to respond to stimuli. In the past, I was stuck utilizing maladaptive coping mechanisms. Today, I have a variety of tools.
Several years ago, when a couple of new yoga instructors started teaching at the studio where I was practicing, their style of teaching, paired with their preferred style of music played at a certain volume proved to be very challenging for me to tolerate. I didn’t have words at the time other than to say that the combination of working on my mat combined with the style and volume of music was causing me to “LOSE MY SHIT". I am not exaggerating here. I would find myself getting angrier and angrier as the class went on. I wanted to yell at the instructor to “FUCKING TURN DOWN THE VOLUME”. And truthfully, for me the longer the class went on, the louder the volume felt to me. Yes, it felt louder.
I physically felt like the sound was hitting me. Every nerve in my body was dialed up and I desperately wanted it to stop. I envisioned wreaking violence on the studio sound system and speakers to make it stop. I envisioned yelling at the instructors to make it stop. I occasionally could not tolerate the sound for the duration of the class and FLED. I didn’t have the words or understanding back then that my nervous system was overstimulated. And my way of coping with the overstimulation back then, was to shut down, shut off, numb out, check out in anyway possible to stop the overload on my system.
The irony of this happening in yoga class has never been lost on me. It was very confusing at the time and I spoke to a few people about it. All but one suggested that I find a new yoga studio. Deep down, I knew that the problem was not actually with the new instructors or the music, but was in me and that just changing studios would not solve the problem. I was sure to encounter the dynamic again.
The one friend that didn’t suggest a different studio instead suggested getting to know the new instructors better and to tell them what I was experiencing. I did that I learned they “didn’t have it out for me” (an old unconscious belief) nor were they going to change the style or volume of music. What one of the instructors did suggest was that when I started to feel the uncontrollable rage in class that I take a pause from the flow, pull out a journal and take whatever time I needed to journal until I was ready to rejoin the class. Surprisingly, this helped.
Each time I pulled out the journal, I could write only one word over and over: “F**K”. And slowly, the anger would subside and I was able to continue on in the class. Over time, something happened and one day while writing my frenzied “f**ks” in my journal, all of that rage caved in me and I began heaving sobs of grief on my mat. I was ugly crying with all the tears and snot and I was stunned. As I struggled to pull myself together, the grief gave way to feelings of shame. Not shame that I was ugly crying on my mat, this was old and deep and the first time I had a sense of feeling that deep shame. I cannot explain the how or why of it, only that by continuing to show up on my mat and allow things to unfold something pivotal in my life occurred. I didn’t have to give up my yoga practice. In a painful way, for perhaps the first time in my life, I used a helpful tool to cope.
It would be great to say that the “losing my shit” over the music stopped at that point. It did not. It continues to this day. I can get overstimulated easily especially by sounds. It can be certain types of music, leaf blowers, beeping sounds and many other high pitched noises. I have auditory sensitivity and that is how I am wired. My sensitivity is not confined to just sounds.
There are other ways in which I can be overstimulated. People unexpectedly touching me can over stimulate me. I can get overstimulated by thinking about certain things, both past and future. Both the external world and my internal world have always been minefields waiting to launch me into losing my shit. Since those experiences at the yoga studio, I have expanded my awareness of how this process unfolds within me and have developed different tools to help myself out of the “losing my shit-ness” of being overstimulated.
Years ago, I referred to the whole process as “losing my shit” because I would end up in a blind rage, sometimes lashing out at others. My vision would narrow, I would hear white noise, and at times see red. I would feel totally out of control. It was a terrifying. And it happened almost daily. I had no sense of trusting myself. No sense I could take care of myself because I never knew when or, at times why, I would lose my shit. It was a big, big reason that as life went on, I became more and more isolated. I didn’t like losing my shit and I couldn’t trust myself not to.
There is another word that gets frequently used by people that I am tip-toeing around here. It is the word “triggered”. I started hearing that word a few years ago in relation to trauma. I began to research trauma and trauma responses. Like a set of tumblers on a combination lock my understanding of how all the pieces went together clicked into place. I could see in my own history how complex trauma shaped my brain wiring.
What was happening when I would “lose my shit” is that I was getting triggered. I shy away from using that word because my brain can see greater utility in the word overstimulated. Triggered feels like I am placing the responsibility on the external and overstimulated feels like I am taking responsibility internally and have power to act. I cannot control all the external variables that may lead to overstimulation within me, of my nervous system. I also cannot ask people to not do all the things that might overstimulate me. I cannot change or even at times know what those variables are that might overstimulate me. I had practiced yoga for many years before that combination of variables led to me being overstimulated.
That, I see, is an important dynamic of all of it. I have a duty, a responsibility to be aware of what is happening with my nervous system at all times in order to protect myself from becoming overstimulated. And I can do that, I can monitor myself and take steps to reground or de-escalate myself in relation to stimuli. I didn’t learn this skill set when I was young, so it has taken me time, effort and a great deal of practice. I have tried many techniques and one of my most powerful tools is to hum.
I started using humming as part of a meditation almost a decade ago. It was the first meditation technique that helped me feel connected, to myself and to others. I did that meditation everyday for years and it is still a frequent favorite.
From that meditation, I learned the humming portion of the the technique taps into my vagus nerve helping to reduce stress on my nervous system (https://bit.ly/46TFd8h). Now, when I am in a yoga or pilates class and I start feeling my nervous system dial up, I hum. I hum until the class is over and in doing so I am using a form of breath work and sound to calm myself. My exhales are elongated which slows my heart rate. The vocal vibrations in my throat tap on my vagus nerve activating my parasympathetic nervous system. I am offering myself the opportunity to avoid getting overstimulated.
I recently went to a spa and thought the spa would be a relaxing activity. Nope. The spa music dialed up my nervous system so fast, I almost left. I stayed because I would be out the cost of the spa treatment. So, I hummed. I hummed and used the spa amenities. I asked the spa therapist for silence in the room, but I could still hear the music outside the room. So, I let the therapist know that if she heard humming, it was me, using a favorite tool to calm my nervous system. So, I hummed for over three hours that day. The humming allowed me to stay calm and relaxed.
Humming has become my go to tool when I am overstimulated or getting dialed up. I practice observing my breath and my nervous system to avoid going too far down the overstimulation road. Humming is a powerful tool. Humming is breathing. Humming is nasal breathing. I can use it anywhere, anytime and it allows me to go anywhere I want and do anything I want. I have the power to avoid losing my shit now. I don’t have to keep narrowing my life to avoid getting overstimulated. Going through this journey and learning about trauma, trauma responses and how to avoid overstimulation or cope in a healthy manner with overstimulation has allowed me to develop a sense of trust in myself that I did not know existed. I have a sense I can take care of myself. I have a sense of confidence. I have tools, like journaling, and especially like humming, that I can use to help myself. That is powerful.
